Crepsley, A Tree and A Bottle Of Tequila
by AllTimeNatalie
Summary: What if Mr Crepsley couldn’t control his alcohol consumption


**DISCLAIMER:** I own no rights to the Sega of Darren Shan or any of the characters in it.

**A/N: **Written in Darren's POV.

Co-written with my Beta and sister RoxxiSanders.

**SUMMARY: **What if Mr Crepsley couldn't control his alcohol consumption?

**TITLE: **Crepsley, a tree and a bottle of tequila

***CIRQUE*DU*FREAK* **

"Okay, now remember to feed her at seven and I will be back before dawn." Mr Crepsley said, pointing to Madam Octa's cage. I hated picking bugs for her to eat and somehow they always ended up under my fingernails…girly comment I know but when you are a half-vampire you need to look after your nails. They are the best weapon I have…I cannot afford to destroy them.

"I know now will you please just go." I snapped, whilst Gavner Purl beckoned Mr Crepsley out of the door. Gavner and Crepsley were supposed to be going out to celebrate something to do with the crescent moon which Gavner had been talking about all of the previous evening. I had switched off, bored, but Mr Crepsley had informed me earlier that he and Gavner planned to have a 'night out'.

"The boy knows what he has to do so can we go now? Please?" Gavner pleaded, holding on to Mr Crepsley's arm. I found the whole thing hilarious, Gavner was a like a kid in a sweet shop. Mr Crepsley rolled his eyes at the vampire general's excitement and reluctantly left the tent after bidding me a good night. I meanwhile stared back at Madam Octa and shrugged, picking up the plate of dead insects which my mentor had left on the table.

"Okay open wide you horrible, mangy thing." I whispered to Madam Octa as she scurried backwards into the darkness. Although I tried, I still resented the spider, hating her for what she had done to Steve all that time ago. Sighing, I realised I would have to apologise. "I didn't mean it; gosh you're almost as sensitive as your owner." Mr Crepsley was sensitive underneath and I knew that when he was upset or hurt or worried, he would cry inside. I could tell when he was in deep pain or distress because he winced and looked like a blubbering baby…very rarely had I seen him cry but on a couple of occasions I had caught him sobbing to himself. He never told me why but I had a feeling it was to do with something that had happened years before I had appeared in his life…a time we never spoke about. After I had fed Octa, I left the tent and played video games with Evra for a few hours. It had taken us a long time to convince Mr Tall to let us keep the games console which Evra and I had saved up for but eventually he had reluctantly agreed. He had said that as long as it didn't interfere with our chores we could have it.

***CIRQUE*DU*FREAK* **

I was unsure how long it had been but we were in the middle of a racing game when a drunken looking man with vibrant orange hair and red suit on crashed through the door…Mr Crepsley? "What happened to you?" I gasped and checked the time. It was only 10:30 and he was drunk! He had been gone for about three and a half hours and could barely stand up. It took a lot more than a couple of shots to get a vampire tipsy, Mr Crepsley had once told me that he never got drunk because it took far too much alcohol to intoxicate a vampire. I stared at him and started to question myself, had he definitely said a lot and not a little? After a moment I came to the conclusion that yes, he had said a lot…then how many he had really had?

"Hello Darren! Did you feed Monsieur Octa?" I frowned at him as he grinned and tripped over his own foot. "Whoops, I should really watch where I am going should I not?" I rolled my eyes and guided the insane vampire to his tent. It was so uncharacteristic of him; I had never seen him drunk before. He was always professional and stern and…well…just him I guess.

"How much did you have?" I tried not to cough as the strong smell of alcohol hit me.

"Just a little bit." He said, making a measurement with his fingers and stumbling once again. Eventually I managed to get him to sit on a box in his tent, a box in front of a wall so that he couldn't fall off it backwards. If he did fall the worst he would do was hit his head and I secretly wished that he would…it might sober him up.

I had to get away from him before I was sick. The smell was making me feel queasy and it didn't help that he looked like he was about to throw up himself. "Listen…I'm gonna go for a walk so you just sit here, stare at that wall and have the time of your life!" I fake-enthusiastically smiled then walked out of the door. I was just about to walk away when I heard a high pitched whine coming from back inside the tent.

"Can I come? I am bored and…lo…lo…lo-ne-leeee." He sounded out the word, interrupted in the middle by a few hiccups, and half ran/half fell out of the tent. It proved to be a big mistake letting him come because he drunkenly rambled on about his and Gavner's drinking games the whole time. "So then I said three-two-one and we downed them." He chuckled for the third time in ten minutes and grinned inanely at me. To be honest it freaked me out a little bit because I had never seen him so…jolly? No that's not the word to describe it. Happy? No. Inebriated? Yeah that one will work for the time being. I shakily smiled and started to walk in front of him, letting my ears recover from his loud, ear-piercing screeches of happiness. When I turned around, he was nowhere to be seen and I sighed to myself, realising that letting him out of my sight had been a stupid idea. I retraced my steps and groaned when I couldn't find him. I was about to head back to the cirque for back up when I heard his familiar voice. "Look, I am a monkey!" Looking up, I realised that the wail had come from a tree branch high above me. I sighed and stomped on the ground like my dad used to when he was mad at me.

"Mr Crepsley, get down before you hurt yourself!" I shouted at him, knowing all the while that I sounded far too much like my father, but her just hung upside down and dangled.

"Make me, you are not my daddy." The words were almost mocking as I remembered how often I reminded him that he was not my father, in fact I reminded him every time he told me off for something. "I am a big boy now; I do not need a babysitter." He taunted, swinging from branch to branch like a crazed gorilla trapped in a zoo.

"I don't need to know that you are a 'big boy now' Mr Crepsley, I know that, you are well over 100 years old. Now start acting your age and get down from there." Terrific, now I sounded like my grandmother too. "Exactly how many did you have?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer but deciding that a change of conversation might coax him down.

He offered me a loopy smile and clung to the branch which he had just come dangerously close to falling from. "Five full bottles of tequila and…" I cut him off and sighed in aggravation. It was hard to imagine Mr Crepsley drinking five full bottles of the clear liquid. I could imagine him drinking five full bottles of beer. I could imagine five full glasses of wine but not bottles of tequila. "So Darren, tell me…would you rather be a fish or a horse? I would rather be a horse." I sighed and began to climb the tree to get him down. In hindsight I should have just let him fall but if I had he would have felt even worse in the morning.

"I don't care!" Mr Crepsley bit his lip and tittered which only angered me more. I wasn't angry that he had had a good time, I wasn't even angry that he was drunk…I was angry that I was having to climb a tree to get him down. He was always telling me about the importance of safety and responsibility and now here he was, stuck up a bloody tree!

"I should have said fish…how foolish of me." I sighed and rolled my eyes as he looked up at the stars. "What do you have against the four headed insects?"

"A horse is a four _legged _mammal and you should have said nothing." It was at this point that my mind wandered to Gavner…I was linking the heavy breathing of a horse to that of the vampire general I think…and I started to wonder and dread what had happened to him. Had he gotten this drunk? Had he gone off on his own? Was he in as bad a state as Mr Crepsley?" Snapping my attention back to the aforementioned Mr Crepsley, I looked up to see him yawn but his eyes twinkled with joy when he found an abandoned baseball cap hanging from the branch above him. He reached out and pulled it down then put it on backwards and beamed proudly. "Ok, what up with the hat?" I asked whilst coaxing him down. Eventually he gave in and started to slip down the branches as I also climbed back down the trunk.

"Yo dude, I am a rapper!" He shouted, holding onto the tree with one hand and using his other to make gestures which looked more like that of a child than a rapper. "I am…what is his name…?" There was a long pause as I continued to make my way down the tree and he froze. "Ice Coffee! I am him…the marvellous Ice Coffee." I frowned in confusion then realised who he had meant.

"Ice T?" I asked and he nodded before grinning inanely. He was still frozen in place, I was now safely back on the ground, and I wondered if he was doing it to annoy me of if he was genuinely stuck. "Look, you have until the count of three to get down here! One…two…thr…" I turned to see that he was now stood on a thicker branch leaning against the tree trunk with his arms crossed. He looked like a spoilt child, stood there pouting. "You are going to fall." Wonderful, now my mother. I smiled as I wondered if I would end up sounding like any of my other relatives that night. He scoffed and stuck his tongue out at me as I raised an eyebrow and waited for the inevitable.

"I have climbed many a tree in my years and not once fallen out of…ouch!" By this point I had turned to look back at the Cirque so I thought that he was clowning around but when I span round, I noticed that he was in a heap on the floor. I giggled and held out a hand but then decided against helping him. I had already warned him that this would happen so when he went to take my hand, I pulled it away and chuckled as he fell back to the ground and groaned.

Walking away, I smiled to myself, I knew he would follow. "Gotcha." I called back over my shoulder and smirked as he stood up and tottered after me.

***CIRQUE*DU*FREAK* **

_The night after_

"I have a thumping headache. What exactly happened last night or this morning or whenever it was?" Mr Crepsley winced and I smiled mischievously; I had wanted to tell him this story ever since it had happened. I had already old Evra who thought it was hilarious.

"You got drunk and climbed a tree." His eyes widened and I chuckled to myself. "It took ages to get you down" He groaned and hid his face in his hands but I could already see the red creeping down his neck…he was embarrassed. "Then you told me that you'd rather be a horse than a fish…oh and you thought that a horse was a four headed insect." He frowned and looked up at me, as I had expected he would, then sat down on the floor and beckoned that I join him. I did as he requested and sat by his side quietly, giving him chance to let my words sink in.

When he finally spoke up, his voice was filled with confusion and still raspy due to his hangover. "I know that a horse is a four legged mammal, why would I say that it was a four_ headed_ insect?" I shrugged as he continued. "And I most certainly do not climb trees." I smiled and shook my head.

"You do and apparently your favourite rapper is Ice T…oh wait my bad…Ice Coffee." Smirking I waited for his response.

"Ice who? I do not even like rap music, where would you get that crazy notion from Darren?" He raised an eyebrow and I rolled my eyes, he didn't remember a minute of it.

He sighed and fell back against the wall, winging when his head connected with the stone. "You really let yourself go Larten." I sighed mock-shamefully and stood up.

I was half way to the door when I heard his quiet mumble. "It is Mr Crepsley and if you tell anyone…" He left the threat unfinished and I knew that he wouldn't do anything.

Grinning to myself I headed out of the tent and went in search of something to relieve his headache. Something told me that saliva wouldn't help this time and when I heard another pained groan, I sighed. It was going to be a long night…a very long night.

***CIRQUE*DU*FREAK* **

A/N: So there you go, please review and let me and RoxxiSanders know what you thought ^_^


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